Trans Forming Families 2^nd Edition
Edited by
Mary Boenke,

Reviewed by Dave Parker

The updated and expanded 2nd Edition of Trans Forming Families, Real Stories About Transgendered Loved Ones is probably the best first book for parents and others struggling to understand. Here is a compilation of stories by parents of young TGs, parents of adult TGs, spouses, partners, grandparents, siblings, and friends describing their respective journeys from bewilderment to acceptance of their transgendered loved one. The 2nd Edition is expanded to include three new sections – brief auto-bios by trans themselves, trans experiences as parents, and articles by therapists who work with trans persons and parents. It includes a trans glossary, trans/family bibliography, and an updated list of TG organizations.

This easy-to-read book has something for almost any family situation. Segments discuss raising gender-variant children, coming out to parents and family members, attitudes of their siblings, and brief summaries of several adult transgenders, experience through their transition. The Editor of the book, Mary Boenke, is a well-known and highly-regarded mother of an adult female to male (ftm) transsexual son and one of the founders of the PFLAG Transgender Network (TNET). Three articles by experienced gender therapists provide highlights of their and their patients’ experiences in dealing with transgenderism, their families, and their problems with social interaction.

A positive, accepting, non-judgmental attitude permeates the book. The typical parental or spouse question, “What did I do wrong?” is gently but firmly answered – nothing. This compilation quickly dispels any reader’s idea that their own situation is unique. All ranges of gender variance – FtM, MtF, intersex, and crossdressing are addressed.

The book opens with 4 stories of children who self-identify as transgendered early in life – under 6 years old – and one still unsure of his gender identity, and their families. Next, several articles are presented by parents of adult children who came out to them as transgendered – some after many years of marriage, with children.

Gender diversity can lead to unusual relationships. Part II covers family relationships with the transgendered individual from the point of view of their spouses or significant others. Love flourishes – regardless of gender. Coming out transgendered does not necessarily mean the end of a loving relationship. Part IV, Crucial Others, incorporates discussions by spouses, children, siblings, and grandparents of transgendered persons, filled with love and understanding.

The therapists’ reports in this book indicate that a transgendered spouse or child coming out will certainly have a traumatic initial effect on their family. True loving relationships seem able to adapt, accept, and move on. Unequal relationships – especially controlling relationships – suffer and often fail.

Can transgendered people be parents? Of course. Transgenders and their families can exhibit all the positives inherent in a loving relationship. But these families vary in their ability to deal with relationship issues just as they (or all of us) differ in their ability to deal with other issues. Several examples are included that demonstrate the ability of children to accept their transgendered parent.

Trans Forming Families, Real Stories About Transgendered Loved Ones, ISBN 0-615-12307-4

$13.95 including US shipping (discounts for quantity) from Mary Boenke, 180 Bailey Blvd, Hardy, VA 24101. Also available through Amazon.com or your local bookstore.